i have somehow managed to convince myself that i don’t deserve to be happy. or, more specifically, to succeed.

every thing i do; every hobby, every job, every indulgence, every undertaking. i manage to do each of them just well enough to enjoy a small modicum of victory, but never enough to permanently grasp onto something to incorporate it into a lifestyle, or profession. and certainly not enough to convince anyone else that i am qualified enough to be regularly doing it.

this unfortunate, destructive thought pattern is pervasive. relationships, careers, life decisions. nothing is immune from the overwhelming suspicion that no matter what effort i put into something, it will always fall far shorter than i would have hoped, and i’ll be forced to return to my vicious cycle of sampling an activity and mucking it up once again.

part of this undoubtedly comes from a desire to remain grounded, realistic, and avoid the stinging disappointment through tendering low expectations. i am almost more afraid of becoming that annoying dellusions of grandeur guy who thinks because someone in church told him he had a nice voice that suddenly he’s ready to be a multi-million dollar recording star than becoming the guy who never followed his dreams. no one likes delusional guy, everyone laughs at him and is thankful they’re not that diluted, or so they tell themselves.

and so. the career, the girl, the friends, the comfort. i manage to stay unequivocally certain that i will fail at all of them. of course the natural response is, yeah, with an attitude like that, you *will* fail. but what if that attitude is the only thing you know? it becomes much more complicated than simply thinking happy thoughts and being positive when you quite literally have no idea how to go about accomplishing it.

i’d like to buy into the idea that we are blank sheets of paper, that we can do whatever we put our minds to, and that each one of us has something special to bring to the table. but if that were actually true, it wouldn’t be special, would it? someone has to be an audience. a follower. a garbage man. a fast food employee. collateral damage. an unnamed victim of life’s mediocrity holocaust.